Prayerie Girl

It really isn't just about me!

Back in the spring of 1996 I was not a happy camper but by all rights I should have been. I had a great husband, great kids, nice home, rewarding job ---but I was restless and uneasy. Each day was a monochrome blur--- one day bleeding into the next. After finally achieving all the things I thought would make my life perfect instead of contentment I felt empty. I found myself constantly asking "what is wrong with me?" Through a series of "coincidences" and unusual experiences I had begun drifting back to the faith of my childhood--- Roman Catholicism, after forays into various other spiritual "paths". The last such journey had been through the a mix of new age, neo paganism and occult. I had one defining experience in which I now believe I was allowed to experience "evil" as a force (previously something that I was sure was just a scare tactic to keep "religious" people in line). It was enough to stop me from delving further into the arcane studies I was pursuing. Shortly after that when walking through the lobby of the Catholic hospital I was working at I would pass the gift shop and see the rosaries in the window--- each time I went past them I felt a strong desire to pray the rosary--- something I thought was bizarre--- The last time I had done that was probably 25 years earlier--- I couldn't even remember how to do it. This went on for about two months and finally one day I told one of my fellow nurses, whom I knew was devout, about this strange inkling--- I told her I want to do it but I don't remember how. She got excited and told me not to worry she would bring me some tapes and a rosary--- the very next day they were sitting on my desk! I began praying the rosary with the tapes and during that 15-20 minutes I would feel peace--- it was like my soul would quiet and I felt relief. This friend then started to invite to go to Mass after work--- I declined because I wasn't quite sure I was ready to make that leap--- one day she asked again despite all my refusals and she added "Friday is my birthday and it would make me happy if you would go with me." What could I say---she had been so kind to me. Well--- when we got to Mass not only was it her birthday it was the feast day of St. Francis of Assisi--- I am named after him--- Susan Frances---well actually I am named after my grandmother but she was named after St. Francis. My grandmother (circa 1906) was one of the first babies to be cared for at St Francis hospital in Evanston IL. My great-grandmother developed typhoid fever after giving birth to my grandmother and so both were taken to the hospital to be cared for--- they were there for three months. When it was time to leave my Protestant great-grandmother asked the nuns what she could do to repay them for caring for her daughter while she recovered from her illness--- their request--- name your daughter Frances. My grandmother had been named Bergliad Matheson---she became Frances Matheson that day. After that every child on that side of the family was born there--- up until my generation--- my aunt went to nursing school there--- and I worked there for 12 years. Although my great-grandmother and grandmother never converted to Catholicism interestingly my grandmother married a Catholic man and promised her future mother-in-law that the children would be raised Catholic--- and they were--- and so were the grandchildren. Anyway---- I knew that it was not a coincidence that the first Mass I attended after 25+ years was on the feast of St Francis of Assisi--- it got my attention. Fast forward ahead about six months--- I was still praying the rosary but had not attended Mass again and then one dreary Friday afternoon in early April I was feeling really down--- I sat at home for a while but then couldn't stand being in the empty house (husband and children were busy) so I got into my car and drove to a Catholic church. I just wanted to go in and sit for awhile. When I pulled in there were a lot of cars in the parking but I didn't think much of it--- until I walked in and saw the Church was packed--- there was a big wooden cross standing in front of the sanctuary. I sat way in the back and listened--- I realized it was Good Friday. Then people started going up to the cross some knelt before it, some hugged it, some kissed it and others just patted it gently. I got in line and started to make my way to the cross--- when I got there I reached up and put my hand on the cross beam and suddenly I was overwhelmed and tears began running down my face--- I was embarrassed because I didn't know what these people would think of me so I hurried back to my pew and knelt down--- suddenly all I could say was "I am sorry, I am so so sorry"! Over and over I said it finally the tears stopped. Just before I stood up I had the sudden understanding that what grieved Jesus the most was that I had not brought my children to Him. I knew it with such certainty that right then I promised Jesus that I would do whatever He asked of me if He would help to bring my children into the faith. I do not think I have ever prayed anything more sincerely than that--- and within 3 years not only did my 18 year old daughter, 21 year old son receive the sacraments my unchurched Presbyterian husband had converted as well. Jesus heard me and answered me in a huge way--- my own personal miracle. Easter 2000 after my marriage situation was rectified my whole family, husband and children received Holy Communion together for the first time as a family--- it was such a wonderful and precious gift. The following Friday I was giving thanks during my Holy Hour and as I prayed I had an interior vision (I had never experienced such a thing before!) I saw the Blessed Mother holding a blond child with longish curly hair--- but she wasn't holding the child as we usually see with the Christ child facing out towards the people--- this time she held the child against her shoulder with her hand covering the back of the child's head--- in a very tender yet protective manner. I was startled, it only lasted a second but it was so vivid I recall all the details all these years later. After years of praying with this image I have come to believe that she was telling me she has been with me all along--- as a mother myself I know mother's just cannot give up on their kids.

I was thinking of all this and how ten years ago my conversion or reversion-- seemed to be all about me--- and of course , at first, it was about me but over the years I have come to see coming to Jesus is not just a personal journey--- This past Sunday was the Rite of Election and my son's fiance's mother and sister became members of the Elect. Last year it was my son's fiance who entered the Church--- I was marveling at the the chain reaction my coming home has begun. First me, then my kids and husband, my mother-in-law, my son's fiance, now her mother and sister--- and as I look forward there will hopefully be grandchildren, and family members influenced by the new converts this year--- and so on and so on--- What joy it gives me to think that my coming home to Jesus not only gave me whatI was longing for--- but also plays a part in bringing to Jesus what He is longing for.

Trust

Darkness clouds my understanding

in silence I listen

I journey in this strange land

So foreign is it that I am lost

I have no map or guide except for trust.

A person I don't know emerges in

the mirror of my God

I do not recognize her

For she has lived in the deepest

Recesses of my heart

A place I could not find alone.

Lost in darkness and silence

I walk the night

Trusting each step to the solid

Rock beneath my feet

My senses are left in pitch and stillness

Faith in Him is all that guides me

Words betray my deepest thoughts

And make a mockery of my heart

I speak in a language which

no other person can understand

Except the One whose imperceptible

embrace upholds me

Joy and sweet peace this

knowledge brings my struggling heart

To know that at the end of this long night

that it is His closeness

that has blinded me to everything.

Trusting only in His gentle presence

His voice gently beckons

and so through this dark night I journey

one blind step after the other

Assured beyond all sense

and earthly wisdom

that He is near.

I await the light of dawn

To live immersed eternally

in the devastating brilliance of His Love.

Sin is a door

Yesterday I was at Adoration and I was thinking about Pennitential Rite at Mass. I think this was on my mind because in our new parish home we say the confetior. In the ten years since I have been back home in the Church not one other parish that I have attended in this diocese makes this a practice. My thoughts were about how powerful this is to me---- it really is a "moment of truth" where I feel I stand "naked" before not only my brothers and sisters on earth but also those in heaven--- and most importantly before our Lord. I don't know about anyone one else but I need this experience on a regular basis it reminds me who and what I am and what a precious gift I am about to receive--- not based on what I deserve but solely on God's generous love.

In thinking about this the image of a door came into my mind and I realized that sin is the doorway through which we pass to enter into relationship with Him and the only way of truly understanding God's merciful love for us all. So many times I try to give God what I think He wants but I fail because it is not something that God has given to me first. I cannot give to God what I do not have and that is when I realized that the best way to glorify God is to give myself to Him just as I am. He already knows my weakness and my failings and it is my nothingness that gives Him glory because as the Lord reassured St Paul "Power is made perfect in weakness" (2Cor12:9).

Determining Destiny

Not too long ago we went to the parish here in town. It is a small town parish and every so often when plans make it difficult for us to go to the parish we belong to we will go to Mass here. That day were fortunate to witness a baptism. Being a smaller parish they have their baptisms during Sunday Mass.

It was for the fourth child (third son) of a lovely young couple. They stood in front of the congregation and they were beaming.  As Fr. T. poured the water over their infant son’s head tears welled up in both his parents eyes--- their joy was obvious. They were truly present--- it was easy to see this wasn’t just a ceremony to them---it wasn’t a routine milestone along the road--- like baby’s first portrait--- or his one month check up--- it wasn’t just a party either. I could not only see but I could feel the depth of their commitment as Christian parents. The love of Christ radiated from this young family--- I am not exaggerating when I say I was deeply moved and honored to be able to witness and participate in their special day.

I have though a lot about it since then---not only did it renew in me a sense of hope and awe--- it has provided me with some profound insights as to why the great spiritual battle of our day is being waged in the arena of human sexuality.

Contraception, abortion, divorce, homosexual "marriage", reproductive and embryonic research and technology, genetic engineering--- Satan will try anything to disrupt or diminish what I witnessed at mass Sunday--- What I witnessed was Satan’s worst nightmare and our greatest hope. Many times I have heard comments about how the Church is just a bunch of repressed, celibate men “obsessed” with sex who are trying to impose their archaic and “unhealthy” ideas on others. I would suggest that if it seems that the Church is “obsessed” with sex it has little to do with the fact that the Church hierarchy is made up of celibate men and more to do with the fact that from the beginning---even when they may not have had depth of understanding or the ability to always articulate this truth well--- through the Holy Spirit they have nonetheless always understood that sex is something holy--- and not just between human beings but something intimately bound up in our relationship to God as well as one another--- it is deeply related to creation and revelation. Our bodies and our sexuality reveal sacred truths about God, about human nature and about our relationship to God. It is through our bodies that we fulfill God’s commands--- the first to Adam and Eve being---“be fruitful and multiply.” This isn’t just a quaint explanation of why the earth is populated with so many people--- it is a divine command and the primary purpose, for which we were created, second only to loving and obeying God.

If it seems the Church is obsessed with human sexuality it is only because it is so central to our being that it is a primary path that can lead to either our redemption or our destruction. Our sexuality can either lead us on a path of holiness to God or it can be our damnation. We have the witness of Sodom and Gomorrah, the Greeks, the Romans--- cultures lost--- which were rife with sexual deviation--- their history tells us that sexual deviancy leads to corrupt societies--- Acceptance of sexual deviation is the signal sign of a failing culture.

I am fascinated by how the Holy Spirit will throw seemingly unrelated things at us in a way that precipitates an awakening or understanding of some deeper wisdom. Such has happened to me recently. A while ago I read John Paul the Great’s Letter on the Dignity and Vocation of Women --- it is there that I found this statement that he took from the Closing Message of the Second Vatican Council:

"The hour is coming, in fact has come, when the vocation of women is being acknowledged in its fullness, the hour in which women acquire in the world an influence, an effect and a power never hitherto achieved. That is why, at this moment when the human race is undergoing so deep a transformation, women imbued with a spirit of the Gospel can do so much to aid humanity in not falling."

When I first read it--- it stopped me in my tracks--- It sounded so urgent and powerful but I was at a complete loss as to how we women were to accomplish such an important and daunting task. I wasn’t even sure of what exactly it meant--- but somehow I knew in the very depths of my heart it was profoundly important and pertinent to our times. Understanding it and acting on it has become some what of an obsession for me.

This is how I began plumbing the depths of John Paul II’s Theology of the Body, Love and Responsibility and then after reading references by John Paul to her works I began reading the writing of St. Edith Stein. In one essay St. Edith, being born a Jewess spoke of how she was raised understanding that all the women of Israel saw their vocation as bringing forth children who would see the day of salvation. Through this understanding a link was made between the Fall and Redemption. As woman was the first to be tempted so did God’s message of grace come first to a woman. St. Edith then said something that struck me deeply--- speaking of this connection she said that “each time woman’s assent determined the destiny of humanity as a whole.” Wow! Stop and reread that a few times--- let it sink in. The assent was acted out through maternity--- bringing forth those who would “see” the day of salvation--- it was this link of one generation to the next in Israel that culminated in the our Lady’s fiat, that as God promised, brought salvation to earth through the birth of His Son Jesus Christ. It is through woman’s innate vocation to motherhood that the destiny of humanity was and continues to be determined. This vocation to determine the destiny of humanity through the “assent” of woman did not terminate with the birth of our Lord. For if woman does not assent to that which she was designed in God’s plan--- The Body of Christ on earth will wither--- the Church will die--- without the Church how is salvation mediated to future generations? The image of Revelation chapter 12 --- the Serpent who waits before the Woman to devour her child seems relevant to our culture--- the Woman especially in this particular instance has been has traditionally been identified with both the Church as well as Mary --- a contracepting Church (supposedly ¾ of American Catholics contracept) is a Church that is dying.

Just recently I happened to hear a hymn that I had never heard before. I fell in love with it. It is based on the Magnificat and it is called “The Canticle of the Turning”.  One verse tied all this together for me.  It goes:

“Though I am small my God, my All you work great things in me. And your mercy will last from the depths of the past to the end of the age to be”

God’s Mercy came to earth through Mary--- it continues on Earth til the end of this age through the Body of Christ--- the Church--- children born and raised in the faith (woman’s primary vocation)  keep the Body of Christ alive on earth in each generation---- extending salvation to all people in all times.  The refrain of the song goes like this:

“My heart shall sing of the day you’ll bring, let the fires of your justice burn. Wipe away all tears for the dawn draws near and the world is about to turn.”

How will our world turn? Back to those comments from the Second Vatican Council where women are implored to live their vocation and with it achieve their true power. It is this feminine power which the world desperately needs and that the council is calling forth. The Council Fathers through the inspiration of the Holy Spirit is imploring women to help save a failing humanity.  Every woman is called to motherhood---whether physical or spiritual--- it is the nature of our being--- the foundation of our vocation. Reality is that the ultimate responsibility for changing our current “culture of death” rests squarely on each individual woman’s decision to either embrace life or reject it--- to accept the power given to her by God --- or to trade it for the power given by the world. It is each individual woman’s choices that have the power to restore families ----and so in restoring families renewing the Church--- it is the domestic church that generates vocations and passes on the faith--- it is faith in Christ that determines the destiny of humanity. The family--- the domestic church--- is the unique realm of feminine influence and power--- it is not surprising then that it is here that Satan has waged his spiritual battle.

So---- that woman that stood before the congregation with her husband and children---despite what we may perceive with our “worldly vision”--- her meek appearance and quiet demeanor is imbued with tremendous power--- through her ascent and God’s grace she is determining the destiny of humanity.

Girl Fish, Boy Fish, ‘It’ Fish

Forget about global warming! This is scarier in my opinion. I read this article on the CERC website. It is an article that states we must develop a link between the moral and the environmental spheres. The author Donald Demarco cites this study:

"In 2005, The Denver Post reported a study that biologists John Woodling and David Norris carried out on trout in Colorado’s Boulder Creek.

The normal male-female ratio of these fish is 1 to 1. Woodling and Norris discovered that of the 123 that they randomly caught on four fishing expeditions (March and October 2002, September 2003, June 2004), there were 101 female, 12 male and 10 of such an unusual hybrid of male and female that researchers could not decide how they should be identified. Of 20 trout caught on May 7, 2002, in the South Platte River, 16 were female and 4 were identified as this curious “intersex.”

How did this striking imbalance in the sex ratios come about? The two biologists traced the cause to the female hormone estrogen that they found in samples from Boulder Creek. The estrogen, they concluded, brought about this “unnatural feminization.”

Further, they traced the presence of estrogen to human sources, primarily birth-control pills Norplant and Depo-Provera, and birth-control patches that contain estrogen. The amount of estrogen from contraceptive sources put into a woman’s blood stream to suppress ovulation is up to 400 times her natural level.

These hormones do not metabolize. They are released through urine and find their way to the local water treatment plant. Such plants are not equipped to deal with them and as a result, the estrogen is released into surrounding rivers and streams.'

It is a known fact that the sex of embryos is determined at conception but that the environment the embryo develops in can effect the development of sexual charateristics and organs. One has to worry what kind of impact this has on developing embryos and fetuses of all creatures--- humans included. With the staggering number of women on estrogen based birth control ---that is a lot of estrogen being dumped into the environment. If it isn't metabolized and almost all products have hundreds of times the normal levels of estogen in them that means mega doses are going straight into the environment---EVERY DAY.

What I find fascinating is that while we the rich and famous are busy buying carbon credits to off set their not so green lifestyles when has anyone heard a word about this--- I haven't heard any talk of "estrogen credits" to balance all the contraceptive soaked rich and famous. In fact Cardinal Pell just condemned some Australian politician's idea that all couples having  children must purchase carbon credits to off set the supposed damage to the environment caused by their off-spring.

I just recently read an article by Laura Lloyd about a new nun cause:

"If you want to get the lowdown on bottled water, listen to what the “Green Franciscan Sister” has to say. She is Sr. Janet Corcoran, vice president of mission service at Marian Medical Center in Santa Maria, Calif., and she is just one of the Catholic voices spreading the gospel that bottled water, however convenient to tote around, is environmentally, economically and politically wrong. She shares her viewpoints, among other places, in the form of “Environmental Tips from the Green Franciscan Sister” in a hospital publication. Corcoran feels strongly that “Sister Mother Earth” needs all the help she can get, especially when it comes to water.

“It’s a matter of getting people to think more consciously about what they are doing,” she said.

Concerns about bottled water are bubbling up in Catholic organizations, adding clout to a growing number of cities and secular organizations worried about the issue -- with women religious strongly in the lead. Numerous women’s religious orders are banning bottled water at their motherhouses, retreat houses and conference centers, and some are substituting refillable water bottles for the throw-away kind at sponsored events."

What a conundrum! Along with boycotting bottled water in order to save the planet the "green sisters" may have to start promoting Natural Family Planning! :::gasp:::

Little Lanterns

Pope Benedict: "This faith in the Creator Logos, in the Word that created the world, in the one who came like a Child, this faith and its great hope seem to be far from our daily public and private reality… The world is becoming more chaotic and violent: We witness this every day. And the light of God, the light of Truth, is being put out. Life is becoming dark and without a compass." Advent Message 2007

I was catching up on some of my reading today and came across this. It was striking to me for a couple of reasons. First because it expresses what I was feeling when I wrote the post "Simplify". I have felt the "heaviness" of this reality for several years now. Secondly because I have noticed particulary in the past couple of years a boldness not only in the media but also in the general public to attack people of faith and in particular the Catholic Church. It has gotten so common that I hate to admit but I don't even feel the outrage that I did at first.

This got me to thinking how does one dialog let alone evangelize? I know that for myself I have found that I talk less. I am more apt just to act. Like if a friend or aquaintence begins telling me about a problem or a crisis they are facing I will listen and then say something like "maybe we could pray together about that". I am surprised how many people will say yes--- and for those who are not comfortable with it I just say "well if you don't mind I will pray for you later. It seems as though in these days people are not inclined to listen but being human will respond to kindness and compassion. In a world which is becoming more chaotic and unbalanced I think living with peace, serenity and trust in the face of social/cultural meltdowns will be attractive to people. I have had people make comments to me like "you are always so calm" "I feel better when I talk to you"--- or you have such "comforting energy". I will usually say something like "That's Jesus, not me..."

I think the Holy Father is telling us, those who know Jesus, to be the light to those who are becoming lost in the darkness of today's world. God will use us as beacons in a troubled sea if we let Him--- not by preaching but by living boldly and joyfully what we know and believe to be true. If we do that it will calm the stormy seas that surround us and that will draw others to want to rest in the quiet waters of faith.

Here we go....

From my local news outlet--- U.S. Scientists Say They've Cloned Humans:

"Scientists say stem cells from cloned embryos could provide a valuable tool for studying diseases, screening drugs and, perhaps someday, creating transplant material to treat conditions like diabetes and Parkinson's disease.

But critics raise objections. The process "involves creating human lives in the laboratory solely to destroy them for alleged benefit to others," said Richard Doerflinger, spokesman for the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops."

Of course this is just my opinion but I believe this is our "tower of Babel". The Tower Babel is a structure in chapter 11 of the Book of Genesis, an enormous tower intended as the crowning achievement of the city of Babilu the Akkadian name for Babel was a city that united humanity, all speaking a single language and migrating from the east---it was the home city of the great king Nimrod. The people decided their city should have a tower so immense that it would have "its top in the heavens". However God, seeing what the people were able to accomplish while they remained unified, confused their languages and scattered the people throughout the earth. My intention is not to get all apopcalyptic but to point out we are venturing into an area that begs God's intervention. I don't know what that intervention would look like exactly but I have an idea---as would anyone who is familiar with sacred scripture. I believe we have lost our senses and I find myself inviting God to set us straight--- or better yer shake us a little to wake us up before it is too late. This is very serious stuff and instead we seem more worried about "Brittany's meltdown"  and what "TomKat" are up to--- YIKES!

Simplify

This word has been in my heart for quite a while. I have been on a mission for the past year to clear up modern life's clutter. I have cleaned out closets---giving away a lot of stuff I keep holding on to. I have worked like crazy to clear up debts. We have cut way back on going out finding pleasure in things like simple get togethers with family and friends---bonfires, a cold beer on the deck, a long motorcycle ride in the country. It has almost become an obssession--- to the point where I believe it is the Holy Spirit. I feel a sense of anticipation and that I am preparing for whatever God has in mind by this  simplifiying of my life---it is sort of like that urge to get everything ready in those last weeks of pregnancy--- I am on a mission but with peace--- not anxiety or tension. I have found myself frequently yearning for a simpler life. I tease Jeff all the time--- I'll say let's just sell it all and build a cabin in the woods--- I think I am tired of wordly things. I also don't think it is just me. Other people we know--- especially very faithful people feel the "weight of the world" and sense it is time to hunker down--- go back to basics--- let society and it's whirlwind of sin, hatred and injustice reach it's climax and then be prepared to do what God put us here to do. Maybe I am crazy but a feel a change is coming--- not THE end--- but AN end--- an end to what is now--- for something better--- I keep thinking of John Paul II and his New Springtime--- could this winter be almost over? Hmmmm....

Bloggin' again

I put "View From the Pew' to rest many months ago. I got tired of the direction it was going and also I felt there were too many blogs doing the same thing and many of them way better than me. So this new one is going to be more personal--- of course I will not be able to stop myself from occasional opinionated commentary but mostly this will be about living life as a disciple of Christ, living in what has been dubbed the "post Christian era"--- growing in faith ----and whatever else strikes my fancy at the moment. Fair warning for general readers --- I am unabashedly Catholic so don't be "shocked" by my view of life or of current events. So here goes......

Defying Logic?

In an article from the Melbourne Hearld Sun:

"Des Cahill, a professor of "intercultural studies" at RMIT University, told the Herald Sun that the shortage of Catholic priests has come about because "the Church has not thought creatively enough in addressing it, nor stood up to Rome in regard to the issue of celibate and married clergy."

Cahill was commenting on a study by the Christian Research Association, which found a particularly acute shortage of clergy in rural areas. That problem faced Catholic, Anglican, and Protestant congregations alike".

I read this and then had to go back and read it again because I thought I must have misunderstood something. The study indicated, according to the researcher, that the shortage of Catholic priests is the related to the celibacy requirement. After insisting that no one has "stood up to Rome" to get this matter addressed creatively the very next paragraph says "That problem faced Catholic, Anglican, and Protestant congregations alike". It had me scratching my head since I know Anglican and Protestant clergy CAN MARRY--- is it just me or does this defy your logic too?