It is said that in ancient times that if a shepherd had a lamb that would continually stray he would break its leg, set it and then while it healed carry him on his shoulders until it healed. During this time the shepherd would feed it, sleep with it in order that that sheep would then be forever bonded with the shepherd and would never want to stray again. This story as well as reading of the history of the Church and of the saints... those who lived heroically Christian lives... enlightened me to a reality that was in the beginning a little daunting if not scary. I soon realized that all those good people, the ones who were Jesus' closest friends had very difficult lives... starting with the apostles and the disciples. Down through the ages there have been more than I can count. For a period of time I was hesitant to give myself fully to the Lord... would that mean I would suffer, would I lose loved ones, suffer some terrible disease or even lose my head (like some before me)!?!
I loved the consulations and the tenderness from the Lord in the days and months after He dragged me out of the brambles in which I had been lost. I felt exactly like the little lamb on His shoulders and I felt the joy and rejoicing... what was lost was now found. I knew the limitlessness of His mercy and his love for sinners... I felt it deeply. I also felt the tug... the invitation to go deeper, to love more, to live more for Him...it seemed as though I would take one step forward and then retreat back two... fear of what going forward would mean was like a bungee cord holding me back.
What doesn't help is a widespread belief that if you are good (ie give lots of money to the church, do charitable works, be active in your church) then God will reward you with good things. This is a very Protestant... at least in some denominations... it has lead to the "prosperity gospel" which is preached in many mega evangelical churches today. People like Joel Osteen, Rick Warren, Bill Hybels.... Yes God wants us to be happy... but we are poor judges of what will bring true happiness because we cannot see beyond ourselves and without His grace we are a seething mass of disordered attachments and subjective feelings--- unable to discern true good from our own self centered idea of good.
The trials in our lives are not sent by God to punish us... and often times they are the result of our own choices and disordered attachments to things and creatures... but they are allowed by God so that He can draw a greater good out of them. Othertimes, like what we have just witnessed in Japan, they are bigger than us and the seem to make no sense... but God will work miracles through this disaster. These things change peoples hearts... when everything is lost it is then you come to see what is really important.
This has happened in my life... The Lord seems to like to help me particularly during lent. Some examples are the year my mother died... she became very sick during Lent and she died during Holy Week. I didn't know how I was going to survive as I was her caregiver as well as her daughter. I was blessed because aside from elderly grandparents I had never lost anyone real close to me like parents, siblings, etc. So this was my first real big loss. My mom had always been there when ever I needed her... what now? It was the first time I felt truly helpless... I couldn't stop her disease I could only lean on Jesus and pray that His will be done for all of us and that he comfort my mother and give courage and peace and comfort to me and my family as we walked this path. I learned that even during trials we are not alone... the Lord will provide for us what we need if we trust in Him and his divine plan for our lives. I learned family is important... do not let less important things interefere with what is really important.
Another Lent I was having health problems and went through a lot of medical tests... at one point they told me I had Lymphoma...As weeks went by I had test after test... all non conclusive and one almost killed me. Finally I had surgery and got good tissue samples and it was not lymphoma but sarcoidosis--- non-fatal. That was another one of those times when I was totally helpless--- I could do nothing to change my circumstances but beg the Lord's mercy... that his will be done and that I have the strength, grace and courage to deal with the outcome... That time I learned that we have no guarantees in life... our lives can change in an instant and we can do nothing about it... it could be over with tomorrow.... so what is important is what I do today... how well do I handle the "duty of the moment" the Lord puts before me... How well have I loved those around me and more important how have I loved my God in the things I did today.
The point I am trying to make is that often times the struggles and difficulties we face are medicine for our souls... the Lord's invitation to draw closer and surrender our pride, to admit who we are and who He is... and that is not easy....


